Tell Me About It
Dear Carolyn: My parents live fairly close, but my brother and family are a plane ride away. They will be up at my parents house in a few days. My husband has limits to how much time he can spend with my family really with anyone, as he is very introverted and I respect that by not forcing him to join in anything or spend more time at my parents house than is comfortable.
Because we are about an hours drive away, I maintain I can spend the time I need to with my family during this visit and he can join when he is comfortable. However, he has taken to declaring that I will only go at certain times because he should be my priority and spending time together should be whats more important to me. Because he is spending time with my family for a night/day, he says, this is what he is owed in return.
I want to slam my car door and get the hell out of there when he talks like this. But he is so convincing about prioritizing our family, currently just the two of us, that I have myself second-guessing. Is this what compromise looks like? Priorities vs. Control
Answer: No. I was about to type out what I think compromise does look like, but thats actually beside the point. A healthy relationship just doesnt have the kind of anger, declarations, or coercion youre describing here. The whole thing has an awkward and disturbing feel to it.
Two people who function well together certainly can be at odds in circumstances like the ones you describe here wanting different things out of your leisure time, having different tolerance levels for socializing and/ or each others families, even having a different idea of what our family means though that issue lives right at the border between differences and incompatibilities.
To make a partnership work amid such differences, what both halves of a couple need are deep investments in each others happiness and strong boundaries around their own needs.
So, if one of you has to put up major resistance or to deny the other something (seen as) essential just to get a little of what you need, then youre in trouble.
The way it applies here is pretty basic: For this to work, he needs to see your family time as something you value and encourage you to take it. You, in turn, need to see that his offer costs him valued one-on-one time with you, and accept it judiciously.
This works if he genuinely wants you to see your family and you genuinely dont want to abuse his generosity.
What you have going on now is the reverse youre pushing him to get your family time and hes pushing you to curtail that time. Thats the unhealthy dynamic. And the unnerving part is that, by your account, your husband is using manipulation tactics and outright assertion of control to get more of his needs met. You will only go at certain times, on his orders? Wow.
If this is anything but a onetime outburst that he has since retracted, then I urge you to see a good marriage and family therapist. Solo. Marriage by fiat is not OK.
Dear Carolyn: This year, both of my parents passed away after long, difficult illnesses. I know I should miss them more than I do, but I feel like Ive been mourning for several years already. Does that make sense, or am I rationalizing somewhere? Thanks Anonymous
Answer; Im sorry for the difficult years and losses.
What you say makes complete sense. Its something that has come up for years in this column in the context of breakups: Some people start processing a breakup when it happens, and some start as soon as the relationship starts to fail. Thats why some people can emerge from a divorce healthy and ready to date while others need years to regroup.
There is little practical difference when the grief is over a death. The process starts not when the loss itself happens, but when the person first feels the loss. Sometimes death triggers grief, sometimes a diagnosis does, sometimes the grief is delayed.
Even without a clear case of grieving in advance, theres no should for how much you miss someone. There is only how you really feel.
